New day, new normal

It has now been 6 weeks, and although you are on our minds every single day, in some ways it still isn’t real.  I wish somehow, someway that I’ll wake up and it’s all been a horrible nightmare, but as I sit here tonight watching the girls as they gather every picture they have of you, I know it’s real. Some of my hardest days, are also my very best.  The girls have craft paper, glitter, stickers and pictures over the ENTIRE floor, and their fighting for the day has finally subsided.  I hear them so excited to show each other what pictures that they have found and how they are decorating their pages for each other.  I think this is the first 15 minutes all day, that they haven’t been arguing about the stupidest things.  They both make sure that they have pages of each other in their books and want to know every detail about the photos of you and I from our vacation.  They can’t wait until we get to go as a family to some of the places that you and I ...

This last weekend we learned what the new normal of birthdays could be.  For the girls, EVERY birthday they insisted on Build-A-Bear, and they’ve been talking about Liberty’s upcoming 9/11 birthday for a few months now.  I knew that we still needed to continue the tradition, but I struggled with how to make sure you and your memories were there with us, and then we had an idea.  How can they go on without remembering your voice?  I can’t tell you how many times a week I pull up videos or voicemails that you left me, just to hear your laugh.  We recorded your voice, from my phone and put them onto a soundbox so that anytime they hug their bears, they can hear you. I struggle to put into words just how much they miss you.  Sometimes it’s so much it hurts, and I have to try and be the rock.  I am always consciously thinking through how to respond when they ask questions, when they say they miss you, when they say they wish you were here.  I tell ...

Today is one month since that horrible day.  The event that knocked me on my ass, and I’m still standing.  One month makes the PTSD official, and I’ve been so anxious all day long.  It doesn’t help that tomorrow is my first appointment with my new counselor.  Well it will help, but for now it just makes me anxious. This entry is gonna be a rough one to read, so you’ve all been warned.  When I decided to start documenting my journey through my New Normal, I went back and forth about how “real” to be.  How truly honest should I be with the thoughts that constantly go through my mind, and I realized that the only way to do this, the only way for it really to help me, is to be completely transparent with my trauma.  So here are my thoughts and fears that undoubtedly will come up in tomorrows session; Ryan died, suddenly and unexpectedly.  The night before was a normal night, we hung out and watched tv, shopped online for Halloween decorations an...

It seems like in my journey for my New Normal, I have to encounter and go through so many firsts.  Oh how I wish you were here to do these scary things with me. This weekend was a big deal, and the time had finally come for Fan-X.  Maddy had won a VIP pass for her Annabelle costume back at Magna Halloween in summer.  That day was such a good day.  The girls hadn’t planned on dressing up in anything special, until right before that weekend and we whipped their costumes together in just one day.  Originally we wanted them to be Annabelle and Chucky, but Libby decided that people like fairies better.  So we had the cutest glitter covered purple fairy, and her big sister, the possessed Annabelle doll.  Walking around the festival, the girls were so proud and excited.  Honestly I think that this was the very first time that Maddy called me her “Mom.”  Normally when strangers refer to me as their Mom, she is quick to correct them that I am the “S...

On August 10, 2019, my world as I knew it, was completely flipped upside down.  I lost my everything in one morning, but I’m getting ahead of myself.  Before I tell you what I lost, let me tell you what I had; My name is Tiffni, I’m 40 years old and my life was finally starting.  By “my life” I simply mean that my life was finally more than just me and my dogs.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty fantastic and my dogs take after their mama, but I finally had what everyone half my age had, my own little family unit.  It was somewhat dysfunctional and 100% blended.  We are the kind of family that makes you wonder.  Many of our likes and activities, aren’t what you would think would be normal family fun.  We love all things creepy and spooky.  We eloped on Halloween, our kids wore their costumes, my ring has skulls on it and I wore black.  We make a habit of visiting a local haunted pizzeria to enjoy great food and great company, and also a n...