It seems like in my journey for my New Normal, I have to encounter and go through so many firsts. Oh how I wish you were here to do these scary things with me.
This weekend was a big deal, and the time had finally come for Fan-X. Maddy had won a VIP pass for her Annabelle costume back at Magna Halloween in summer. That day was such a good day. The girls hadn’t planned on dressing up in anything special, until right before that weekend and we whipped their costumes together in just one day. Originally we wanted them to be Annabelle and Chucky, but Libby decided that people like fairies better. So we had the cutest glitter covered purple fairy, and her big sister, the possessed Annabelle doll. Walking around the festival, the girls were so proud and excited. Honestly I think that this was the very first time that Maddy called me her “Mom.” Normally when strangers refer to me as their Mom, she is quick to correct them that I am the “Step” Mother. That day she didn’t correct anyone. Not only that, she proudly told everyone that her Mom made their costumes for them. She couldn’t stop smiling. Well they both decided that day that they wanted to be in the costume contest, they were so excited (and we were so hot and tired of walking around) that we got to the air conditioned library an hour early. The girls had packed emergency glitter and blood respectively for last minute touch ups. We signed them up and Maddy was so nervous. They had no idea what to expect, and as the room filled up with more and more contestants, the girls got more worried, and you and I started worrying how we were going to heal the wounds of 2 little girls disappointment of NOT winning. There were probably 60+ people waiting for their turn. We saw lots of cute kids, moody teens and many professional cosplayers crowding into the room. Our girls went second and third, so there wasn’t much to compare to beforehand, and then a long wait after. I have never seen them look so nervous. Maddy went first and took you with her. She followed directions and walked the “stage,” making creepy looks at the crowd and hurrying back to her seat. Libby was just as nervous, she needed my hand to guide her. I took our beautiful little fairy for a very quick walk in a circle and ran back to our seats. Then came the waiting game. There were SO many good costumes! I hate to admit it, but I think you and I even contemplated leaving so that way they didn’t know that they lost and we wouldn’t have to watch other people forever. We were so glad we stayed. There were 3 awards to be given. Top prize for age 0-17, 18 and up and then the grand prize. After they announced the winner for our girls age group, we had a lot of consoling to do. They just knew that they were the best and the judges just weren’t fair. The winner for the adult group was very entertaining so we were glad we stayed, there were 3 grown men dressed as lego Batman, Robin and Superman. The girls thought they were great, and as they were getting ready to announce the winner, you and I started gathering our belongings, making it easy to make a quick escape when it was over. The announcer made comments about how IF it was a minor who won, they would need a parent to accept the prize with them, and still we thought it had to be someone else, and then the moment we never believed would happen did. They called Madison Meads and she almost didn’t believe it. I had to tap you to put your phone down and Libby was the cutest! She jumped up and down and pushed Maddy to the stage saying “you won, you won Maddy!” So for months we’ve been planning our costumes. Planning our one on one time with just her and me, which turned into Libby going for a day with us too, and then when you passed we decided the 3 of us needed to go to booth days. They loved knowing that their love of Halloween and all things creepy comes from you. One day we dressed as Coraline characters. Maddy was Coraline, and I was the Other Mother. Libby had the option of being the black cat or Wybey and she shocked us all by not picking the cat. I had worked on our costumes before you passed, so you knew what we were doing and what the girls costumes would look like. You couldn’t wait to see them all done up. I showed up Friday right after school and transformed the girls in 5 minutes and we were on our way. They were so excited! There were tons of people and it was overwhelming to all of us, the first day we only lasted a couple hours. We took bike taxis to and from our parking, I figured the less I made the kids walk, the longer they’d want to stay. They were so funny! I wanted everything to be perfect for them this weekend, and it was very close. The second day we got our wish. They were Annabelle and Chucky. Their makeup and costumes looked amazing, if I do say so myself. They made us so proud!! Walking up to the event, there were people asking to take pictures with them. Everyone knew who they were supposed to be and got such a kick outta it! Madison would stare creepily at everyone and Liberty would show people her fake knife and crack an evil little smile. They had so much fun that day! We spent some quality time on the vendor floor where they had so many Pops, that you would have been in heaven! We had talked before coming that we would need to find some sort of souvenir that reminded us of you, and we found the perfect Pop for that. A Walking Dead Prison Guard Walker. It was $25, but I know you wouldn’t have objected to that price for one of your coveted zombies. We found all the Coraline set, which was so perfect since that’s what we dressed up as, and also a couple Nightmare Before Christmas ones that I had been looking for for quite some time. Through all the crowds and all the chaos, I didn’t lose either of the kids, not even once. And for the most part, I did pretty good. I was so focused on the girls having a good time that I forgot I was missing you, until I saw a couple standing in line, and the man kissed the woman on the forehead. Then I had flashbacks of you doing that to me in public. Usually you’d do it because you were noticing some hot young thing walking by and thought kissing my forehead made it better. It always did, because I knew that I had your heart. I saw this completely innocent touching gesture, and I lost it. I know it’s important for the girls to see that I miss you and I’m sad, but I can’t let them see me lose it and tell their mother anything that would let her think I wasn’t stable and therefore keep the girls from me even more. In the midst of so many strangers, trying to keep the kids safe, keep my emotions in check, proved to be very difficult. The panic attacks come on so quickly, but I knew that at that moment, my priority had to be the girls. I quickly thought and told them that I had to go to the bathroom and it was an emergency. They didn’t question it and walked quickly with me to find the ladies room. Once we were in there and I was behind the stall door, all he emotions came. Good thing this didn’t happen the day that I had some serious winged eyeliner on! I needed a minute. They happen often, but when they happen, it’s almost always worse if I don’t take that minute for me.
So this weekend I did hard things, and I did them being the only grownup responsible for our girls. We made great memories, snuggled in our bed arguing over who gets to lay on your pillow, and I know we all made you proud. My newest New Normal lesson? Taking a minute for me. If I can’t find time to stop and care for me, there’s no way that I can be who I need to be for our girls. The strong, loving, confident and caring bad ass that you loved me for. Make time for yourself, so you can make the most of your time with your people.
This weekend was a big deal, and the time had finally come for Fan-X. Maddy had won a VIP pass for her Annabelle costume back at Magna Halloween in summer. That day was such a good day. The girls hadn’t planned on dressing up in anything special, until right before that weekend and we whipped their costumes together in just one day. Originally we wanted them to be Annabelle and Chucky, but Libby decided that people like fairies better. So we had the cutest glitter covered purple fairy, and her big sister, the possessed Annabelle doll. Walking around the festival, the girls were so proud and excited. Honestly I think that this was the very first time that Maddy called me her “Mom.” Normally when strangers refer to me as their Mom, she is quick to correct them that I am the “Step” Mother. That day she didn’t correct anyone. Not only that, she proudly told everyone that her Mom made their costumes for them. She couldn’t stop smiling. Well they both decided that day that they wanted to be in the costume contest, they were so excited (and we were so hot and tired of walking around) that we got to the air conditioned library an hour early. The girls had packed emergency glitter and blood respectively for last minute touch ups. We signed them up and Maddy was so nervous. They had no idea what to expect, and as the room filled up with more and more contestants, the girls got more worried, and you and I started worrying how we were going to heal the wounds of 2 little girls disappointment of NOT winning. There were probably 60+ people waiting for their turn. We saw lots of cute kids, moody teens and many professional cosplayers crowding into the room. Our girls went second and third, so there wasn’t much to compare to beforehand, and then a long wait after. I have never seen them look so nervous. Maddy went first and took you with her. She followed directions and walked the “stage,” making creepy looks at the crowd and hurrying back to her seat. Libby was just as nervous, she needed my hand to guide her. I took our beautiful little fairy for a very quick walk in a circle and ran back to our seats. Then came the waiting game. There were SO many good costumes! I hate to admit it, but I think you and I even contemplated leaving so that way they didn’t know that they lost and we wouldn’t have to watch other people forever. We were so glad we stayed. There were 3 awards to be given. Top prize for age 0-17, 18 and up and then the grand prize. After they announced the winner for our girls age group, we had a lot of consoling to do. They just knew that they were the best and the judges just weren’t fair. The winner for the adult group was very entertaining so we were glad we stayed, there were 3 grown men dressed as lego Batman, Robin and Superman. The girls thought they were great, and as they were getting ready to announce the winner, you and I started gathering our belongings, making it easy to make a quick escape when it was over. The announcer made comments about how IF it was a minor who won, they would need a parent to accept the prize with them, and still we thought it had to be someone else, and then the moment we never believed would happen did. They called Madison Meads and she almost didn’t believe it. I had to tap you to put your phone down and Libby was the cutest! She jumped up and down and pushed Maddy to the stage saying “you won, you won Maddy!” So for months we’ve been planning our costumes. Planning our one on one time with just her and me, which turned into Libby going for a day with us too, and then when you passed we decided the 3 of us needed to go to booth days. They loved knowing that their love of Halloween and all things creepy comes from you. One day we dressed as Coraline characters. Maddy was Coraline, and I was the Other Mother. Libby had the option of being the black cat or Wybey and she shocked us all by not picking the cat. I had worked on our costumes before you passed, so you knew what we were doing and what the girls costumes would look like. You couldn’t wait to see them all done up. I showed up Friday right after school and transformed the girls in 5 minutes and we were on our way. They were so excited! There were tons of people and it was overwhelming to all of us, the first day we only lasted a couple hours. We took bike taxis to and from our parking, I figured the less I made the kids walk, the longer they’d want to stay. They were so funny! I wanted everything to be perfect for them this weekend, and it was very close. The second day we got our wish. They were Annabelle and Chucky. Their makeup and costumes looked amazing, if I do say so myself. They made us so proud!! Walking up to the event, there were people asking to take pictures with them. Everyone knew who they were supposed to be and got such a kick outta it! Madison would stare creepily at everyone and Liberty would show people her fake knife and crack an evil little smile. They had so much fun that day! We spent some quality time on the vendor floor where they had so many Pops, that you would have been in heaven! We had talked before coming that we would need to find some sort of souvenir that reminded us of you, and we found the perfect Pop for that. A Walking Dead Prison Guard Walker. It was $25, but I know you wouldn’t have objected to that price for one of your coveted zombies. We found all the Coraline set, which was so perfect since that’s what we dressed up as, and also a couple Nightmare Before Christmas ones that I had been looking for for quite some time. Through all the crowds and all the chaos, I didn’t lose either of the kids, not even once. And for the most part, I did pretty good. I was so focused on the girls having a good time that I forgot I was missing you, until I saw a couple standing in line, and the man kissed the woman on the forehead. Then I had flashbacks of you doing that to me in public. Usually you’d do it because you were noticing some hot young thing walking by and thought kissing my forehead made it better. It always did, because I knew that I had your heart. I saw this completely innocent touching gesture, and I lost it. I know it’s important for the girls to see that I miss you and I’m sad, but I can’t let them see me lose it and tell their mother anything that would let her think I wasn’t stable and therefore keep the girls from me even more. In the midst of so many strangers, trying to keep the kids safe, keep my emotions in check, proved to be very difficult. The panic attacks come on so quickly, but I knew that at that moment, my priority had to be the girls. I quickly thought and told them that I had to go to the bathroom and it was an emergency. They didn’t question it and walked quickly with me to find the ladies room. Once we were in there and I was behind the stall door, all he emotions came. Good thing this didn’t happen the day that I had some serious winged eyeliner on! I needed a minute. They happen often, but when they happen, it’s almost always worse if I don’t take that minute for me.
So this weekend I did hard things, and I did them being the only grownup responsible for our girls. We made great memories, snuggled in our bed arguing over who gets to lay on your pillow, and I know we all made you proud. My newest New Normal lesson? Taking a minute for me. If I can’t find time to stop and care for me, there’s no way that I can be who I need to be for our girls. The strong, loving, confident and caring bad ass that you loved me for. Make time for yourself, so you can make the most of your time with your people.
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