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New birthday normal

This last weekend we learned what the new normal of birthdays could be.  For the girls, EVERY birthday they insisted on Build-A-Bear, and they’ve been talking about Liberty’s upcoming 9/11 birthday for a few months now.  I knew that we still needed to continue the tradition, but I struggled with how to make sure you and your memories were there with us, and then we had an idea.  How can they go on without remembering your voice?  I can’t tell you how many times a week I pull up videos or voicemails that you left me, just to hear your laugh.  We recorded your voice, from my phone and put them onto a soundbox so that anytime they hug their bears, they can hear you.

I struggle to put into words just how much they miss you.  Sometimes it’s so much it hurts, and I have to try and be the rock.  I am always consciously thinking through how to respond when they ask questions, when they say they miss you, when they say they wish you were here.  I tell them all the time how proud you are of them, and how much they meant to you.  I like to think that I was the person who meant the most to you, but I know I can never compete with Daddy’s girls.  You had plans to tattoo their names on you, you’d brag about how cool they were to anyone who would listen, and don’t get me started on your weekly manicures.  You were such a princess!  Just had to be in control of how they painted them and what rules they had to follow and make sure that I was available to be standing by to fix any mistakes.  For awhile, you only allowed one hand to be painted, leaving 2 fingers for each girl and I got the middle finger.  Somehow you’d explain that the reason why it was only one hand, was just in case you needed to hide your hand for any reason.  You felt more grownup and professional that way.  A dirty mechanic with a filthy mouth who is wrapped around his little girls’ fingers, was worried about keeping one hand “respectable.”  That didn’t last long, just as most things involving you and the word “NO” with the girls, it was just temporary.  They knew that you’d cave soon.  They almost always got their way with you.  It wasn’t long before they each had their own hand, and my job was just management.  You’d talk to the girls and tell them to let me teach them, and help them to be not so messy, and of course you were always concerned if they didn’t get enough coats of polish.  Again I remind you, that you were a filthy mechanic!  I don’t know that I’ve ever seen your hands clean in the entire time we’ve known each other, but you always needed your nails looking good.  You would post them on social media and make sure to show the gas station girls and anyone else who you came in contact with, their latest color choices.

Well we added a new birthday tradition today, the girls had their very first pedicure.  Can I just tell you that they were IMPRESSED!  They were so giddy from the moment we walked in.  They couldn’t even hide their excitement a little bit.  They loved all the colors, the scents and all the pampering tools that were used.  I knew they wouldn’t handle the scrubbing of their arches well, because anyone who has ever had a pedi knows that this is a very ticklish spot.  Hahaha they both lit up and giggled uncontrollably.  There was wiggling, and squealing, and believe it or not lots of splashing.  I threatened Libby that if she kept making such a mess, that I’d have to tip her lady all her birthday money to clean up after her.  She said the perfect Libby thing in the perfect Libby voice “uhhh Tiff, I don’t think I have enough money to clean up all this mess, can you loan me some?”  They asked if we could do Pedi’s every birthday and also made me promise to never go to get a pedicure without them.  They asked if this is what you were talking about when you called me a spoiled princess?  I said “of course.”  But taught them a new lesson to“treat yourself.”

Oh how I wish you were here!  It aches deep in my chest trying to imagine our future without you.  Our story was just beginning, and now it’s up to me to continue on without you.  We had so many plans, so many things that we were looking forward to, and nothing more rewarding than watching the kids grow up.  How do we go through the big things without you?  There’s no way you’ll approve of me teaching them to drive, and I will have to call in for help intimidating any boy who looks at our girls. I guess just with anything else in our lives right now, we will take it a day at a time.

I guess I still love you, even if you’re not here to listen to me say it.

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