On August 10, 2019, my world as I knew it, was completely flipped upside down. I lost my everything in one morning, but I’m getting ahead of myself. Before I tell you what I lost, let me tell you what I had;
My name is Tiffni, I’m 40 years old and my life was finally starting. By “my life” I simply mean that my life was finally more than just me and my dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty fantastic and my dogs take after their mama, but I finally had what everyone half my age had, my own little family unit. It was somewhat dysfunctional and 100% blended. We are the kind of family that makes you wonder. Many of our likes and activities, aren’t what you would think would be normal family fun. We love all things creepy and spooky. We eloped on Halloween, our kids wore their costumes, my ring has skulls on it and I wore black. We make a habit of visiting a local haunted pizzeria to enjoy great food and great company, and also a night full of communicating with the ghosts. Our girls (6 and 8) play with life size skeletons like Barbie dolls, we like to go thrift shopping for oddities and projects that we can turn into creepy decor. Our boys (22 and 14) love to visit haunted houses and search for the paranormal. When we had our time without the kids, we talked about the kids and made plans on what we could do with them next time. We also went on adventures just the 2 of us. We took our honeymoon on our first anniversary. My very first cruise. 7 days of no internet, no calls or texting, no friends or family to lean on or be interrupted with, unlimited food and one of a kind experiences. We played bingo and made crafts with all the older passengers, and even went on a few excursions that I will never forget. We went zip lining, and by zip lining I just mean that Ry ziplined and I was hooked up to a zip line with a harness and a prayer. I hated every moment of it, but my 6 foot tall ginger man child was in heaven. Part of that day, we also were able to ride ATVs. I was just happy to have my feet on the ground, but Ryan was in his element behind the wheel. After receiving instruction including “be careful....not too much gas....watch the puddles,” my husband did exactly what I knew he would do, he romped on the gas and almost flipped us on the first turn. The pictures of that day, are his favorite. They included a pic of him driving, we are covered in mud, and neither of us could smile any bigger. (My smile was mostly because I was no longer hanging from the trees, his was because he got to be the big kid that he was). He would show that picture to anyone who would let him. We were both just so damn happy in that moment.
So when we got together, I earned a new title of “the other mother” to our four kids. I was never able to have kids of my own, so I was thrilled to have these little people in my life. I got thrown into the parent role, and it was equal parts challenging and rewarding. I married later in life than most people I know, my first marriage happened when I was just 38. (I say first marriage, because that’s part of what I lost.). Who knows if I’ll ever marry again, but I don’t regret any of our time together.
Our marriage wasn’t perfect, and anyone who tells you that marriage is easy, is either lying or delusional. We had our ups and we had our downs, but no matter what, we were a team and handled things together. Most couples say “I love you,” but for us, the phrase was always a sarcastic “I guess I love you.” As I sit here all alone in our bed (hahah you know the dogs are here and they don’t count) what I wouldn’t do to hear you say that again. It may sound harsh or disrespectful to say it like that, but you only said it that way when you were extra happy about the things we have accomplished together. It was a matter of pride for you to call me your woman.
880 days after our first date, you left me. I woke up and you were cold, I called 911 and administered CPR, but after paramedics got here, they let me know that you had passed. I know you readers are thinking “what the hell happened?” And believe me, I wish I knew. As of the date I’m writing this blog, the M.E.s office still does not have a cause of death.
So my trauma has many layers;
Since that horrible day, I have now become the spectacle of the “poor girl with all the bad things.” I’m the mangled car crash that you can’t look away from, the horrible social media post that you google every aspect of it, and the story that everyone wants to know.
Every day comes with it’s new set of challenges and trying to figure out my New Normal. I decided to document my journey in hopes that it’ll be cathartic. It’s so much easier to type these painful things than to say them out loud while looking anyone in the eye. Maybe, just maybe it might be helpful to someone else going through their own trials, or someone who is the bystander of someone else’s journey to their own New Normal.
Keep your head high, be kind to strangers and allow yourself to grow and develop into your New Normal.
Tiffni
My name is Tiffni, I’m 40 years old and my life was finally starting. By “my life” I simply mean that my life was finally more than just me and my dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty fantastic and my dogs take after their mama, but I finally had what everyone half my age had, my own little family unit. It was somewhat dysfunctional and 100% blended. We are the kind of family that makes you wonder. Many of our likes and activities, aren’t what you would think would be normal family fun. We love all things creepy and spooky. We eloped on Halloween, our kids wore their costumes, my ring has skulls on it and I wore black. We make a habit of visiting a local haunted pizzeria to enjoy great food and great company, and also a night full of communicating with the ghosts. Our girls (6 and 8) play with life size skeletons like Barbie dolls, we like to go thrift shopping for oddities and projects that we can turn into creepy decor. Our boys (22 and 14) love to visit haunted houses and search for the paranormal. When we had our time without the kids, we talked about the kids and made plans on what we could do with them next time. We also went on adventures just the 2 of us. We took our honeymoon on our first anniversary. My very first cruise. 7 days of no internet, no calls or texting, no friends or family to lean on or be interrupted with, unlimited food and one of a kind experiences. We played bingo and made crafts with all the older passengers, and even went on a few excursions that I will never forget. We went zip lining, and by zip lining I just mean that Ry ziplined and I was hooked up to a zip line with a harness and a prayer. I hated every moment of it, but my 6 foot tall ginger man child was in heaven. Part of that day, we also were able to ride ATVs. I was just happy to have my feet on the ground, but Ryan was in his element behind the wheel. After receiving instruction including “be careful....not too much gas....watch the puddles,” my husband did exactly what I knew he would do, he romped on the gas and almost flipped us on the first turn. The pictures of that day, are his favorite. They included a pic of him driving, we are covered in mud, and neither of us could smile any bigger. (My smile was mostly because I was no longer hanging from the trees, his was because he got to be the big kid that he was). He would show that picture to anyone who would let him. We were both just so damn happy in that moment.
So when we got together, I earned a new title of “the other mother” to our four kids. I was never able to have kids of my own, so I was thrilled to have these little people in my life. I got thrown into the parent role, and it was equal parts challenging and rewarding. I married later in life than most people I know, my first marriage happened when I was just 38. (I say first marriage, because that’s part of what I lost.). Who knows if I’ll ever marry again, but I don’t regret any of our time together.
Our marriage wasn’t perfect, and anyone who tells you that marriage is easy, is either lying or delusional. We had our ups and we had our downs, but no matter what, we were a team and handled things together. Most couples say “I love you,” but for us, the phrase was always a sarcastic “I guess I love you.” As I sit here all alone in our bed (hahah you know the dogs are here and they don’t count) what I wouldn’t do to hear you say that again. It may sound harsh or disrespectful to say it like that, but you only said it that way when you were extra happy about the things we have accomplished together. It was a matter of pride for you to call me your woman.
880 days after our first date, you left me. I woke up and you were cold, I called 911 and administered CPR, but after paramedics got here, they let me know that you had passed. I know you readers are thinking “what the hell happened?” And believe me, I wish I knew. As of the date I’m writing this blog, the M.E.s office still does not have a cause of death.
So my trauma has many layers;
- I lost my husband
- I lost him in a traumatic event
- We don’t know why it happened
- Because of losing him, I also lost our kids.
Since that horrible day, I have now become the spectacle of the “poor girl with all the bad things.” I’m the mangled car crash that you can’t look away from, the horrible social media post that you google every aspect of it, and the story that everyone wants to know.
Keep your head high, be kind to strangers and allow yourself to grow and develop into your New Normal.
Tiffni
You are a beautiful soul! I am so proud of you and the person you are becoming after such a traumatic time in your life. You are so incredibly strong. You write and express yourself so beautifully. Thank you for your words. I know this process is painful for you, but I am grateful you have an outlet and a way to reach to other people that may be going through the same thing. I love you and I am thankful to have a friend like you ❤
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