Lazy Sundays

Lazy Sundays were our favorite.  We used to sleep in, go to breakfast at Jims, come back and take a nap and catch up on tv.  No matter what it was, we were right there together.  You’d always tell me that you’d sleep better if I took a nap with you, and I always laughed at you and told you that I wasn’t tired.  I’d lay down anyway, and you’d curl up around me and you’d be snoring so fast it would make me laugh.  I’d close my eyes and I wasn’t far behind you.  I always slept better with you near me.  How I long for sleep.  Really good sleep, longer than 2 hours at a time sleep.  That hasn’t happened in months.  I lie to myself and those around me all the time telling them that I’m doing ok, when the reality is I just want to sleep.  I still sleep with the dimmed lights on and the tv on, because I can’t bare the quiet loneliness without you.  Sometimes you come to me in my dreams, and those are a crap shoot as to whether you help me sleep or I wake up in a panic attack.  I wear your shirts to bed, I wrap myself in your ratty gross blanket that I hated.  I spray your cologne on the pillow, and yet I still can’t sleep.  It’s been 11 weeks now, and still we are left wondering.  I keep wondering if having the final Death Certificate with Cause of Death will bring me any closure and therefore anymore sleep, and I just don’t know.

It’s just about 9:00pm right now, and if you were here we’d be going through our routine.  You’d remember that tomorrow is Monday and ask me “baby cakes, do I have clean clothes for tomorrow?” Sometimes I wouldn’t wash your laundry because I’d make you at least ask, but for most days this is how our conversation would continue; “what do you think?  Aren’t you married to the best wife ever?” And then you’d tell me how lucky you were to have me, climb into bed, tell me to scoot my “fluffins” back so we could have our 5 minutes of snuggling time.  Instead of that being my Sunday night, I’m now laying in bed and wondering if I have clean clothes for tomorrow.  Sally, our 14 lb toothless chihuahua tries her best, but she can’t snuggle me like you could.

I still struggle so hard with reaching out and asking for help or telling people that I feel so alone, so instead I focus on reaching out to those I know are going through their own trials.  Why is it that I’m so much more comfortable opening up and sharing with those who I know are in similar situations.  I feel so stuck, so stagnant in my current state.  I’m going through the motions, I try not to isolate myself, I try to take time to create, I try and take care of me, to spend time outside, to make sure I make time for those who are also hurting from your loss.  Being around those who miss you is so rewarding and equally devastating.  I’m surrounded by so many people who love you and have such great memories of you, but it reminds me so much of what we lost.  That we will never make memories together again.  Today I was at your moms with the girls and we were playing the game Sorry.  Me and Libby played as a team because apparently there was an incident long ago where some pieces were lost.  She sat on my lap and would wrap her arms around me between every turn.  You would have been so proud watching them.  So competitive, trash talking each other, and your mom made the comment “who taught you to act like this?”  And Maddy proudly said “my Daddy.”  I knew she was right because I saw it so clearly then.  They both have so much of you in them.  It was also that moment that my gaze went past Maddy and saw your box of ashes sitting on the fireplace.  I can’t even imagine picking it up and bringing it home.

Our 2nd anniversary is coming up quickly, and my heart aches for that day.  I keep telling myself that I’m gonna be ok, but I think that’s the biggest lie that I have told myself lately.  Since we eloped on Halloween, aka the best day of the year, I’m trying not to let my grief swallow up that fun that you’d want us to be having.  You would be PISSED if I checked out and couldn’t handle Halloween without you.  The girls are so excited!  Maddy is gonna be Jigsaw, we even got her a trike to ride.  Grandpa is fussing about it saying how she won’t be able to ride it much out trick-or-treating, but it’s gonna be amazing and I’ll totally ride it if she wont.  Libby is gonna be a purple crayon, so I decided they needed their purple light up shoes that we had bought together for them for our upcoming cruise.  They LOVE knowing that YOU picked them out.  I have to remind them that they arrived at the house that day, so yes you were the one that bought them for the girls.  It’s gonna be good, I won’t say it’s gonna be great.  It’s gonna be different, but we will have fun.  I’ll probably lose track of all the times somebody says “Dad would have loved....”

I’ll try my hardest to make you proud, on one condition.  You better haunt me that day!!  I can’t do it if you won’t be with me.  So do something, send me a sign.  Let me know that you are right there with us!  I love you so much baby.  I’ll see you Thursday.